We receive and we lose, and we must try to achieve gratitude, and with that gratitude embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses. ― Andre Dubus

I never would have said that my life was difficult. I have always accepted what I was given, adjusted, and moved on. I have endured losses and a few minor setbacks. I have been deceived, insulted, mocked, and cast aside in favor of others. That never got to me. Whatever I faced, I analyzed the problem, suffered for a few days, gathered myself, and then started again. I’ve always been tough and resilient. I might have been knocked down, but I never gave up.

I struggled the past few years to remain optimistic. I left a toxic relationship. I quickly blossomed and got back to not just the person I was, but I was becoming the person I wanted to be. I met my current husband.  I got married. I left my family and friends. My childhood home burnt down. I lost one of my dogs in the housefire. I moved across the country. My husband immediately deployed. I was left to deal with the turmoil of changes and the series of losses alone.

I wrestled with emotions and uncontrolled thoughts. I didn’t know anyone. I tried to make friends. I wasn’t one to party, so I wasn’t part of the crowd. I visited a few churches in the area, but none felt right. Without a solid support system in our new location, I spiraled. I became a recluse. I clung tighter to my two dogs. I was never far from them, still afraid something might happen to them.

I had physical therapy a few times a week. I found friends there. I also found friends in the local coffee shop. (I was a regular.) They also knew my dogs and would have treats ready for them!

I knew I needed help. My husband could see the change in me and knew something was wrong. It wasn’t until a former school counselor reached out to me on Facebook. She mentioned PTSD. She explained that the changes were considered trauma to me. I did not get a chance to adapt and overcome before more changes were thrown at me.

It took over a year of me begging for help before I was referred to a therapist in Idaho. We left six months later for South Korea.

These last several months have been really taxing for me. I fell into my old mindset and remained hopeful and positive. I was determined to remain active, despite being confined to a hotel room. That changed when we went to  Hawaii. My small room, with no window, did not leave much room for walking! To make matters worse, we were in the covid ward, so we were confined to the room.

Things were not much better once we left Hawaii. I had spent a month and a half in a hospital bed. I lost strength, stamina, and energy. I could barely make it up the stairs! I needed water with me at all times and constant rest. I was frustrated, discouraged, and angry.

While praying for God’s peace and healing, I find myself furious at the constraints of my condition and fixated on the shame of it. There are days I feel disgusted (and disgusting). I want this all to just go away. I want things back to the way they were. I want to be able to do the things I used to be able to do.

I feel frustrated in my prayer life. My prayers get twisted. I ask for help losing a few pounds. God allows me to get the stomach bug. That’s not what I meant!

And then I remember what I wrote a few weeks ago when all this started. I talked a little bit about my trials in Called Out. But what if all this is God’s answer to my prayer? Crazy, right? God’s word says, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28, KJV).

God does not always respond to our prayers as we believe He should. Perhaps this was God’s way of drawing me closer to Himself. After all, it is what I prayed for! Honestly, despite the frustrations, I have been closer to Him than I have been in quite some time. I was humbled through this ordeal as I remembered that He alone supports me. He is everything I need.

Satan has repeatedly failed to break me despite his best efforts. However, as long as vessels are intact, they do not leak water. I spent many years encased in my strong religion and values. What if, despite being whole, I was useless to God? I had prayed, “Dear God, employ me” But remember, broken containers tend to spill more water. The water seeps through the gaps and fissures and overflows.

It is no longer relevant what caused the accident. It’s all about the trip and the perspective transformation. You gradually comprehend and recognize your spiritual abilities. You own and use them. In exchange, He employs you. You ultimately discover serenity by realigning your thinking and life with God. He is the craftsman. We are nothing but the clay.

In every situation, He knew the answer before I had the concern. He recognizes my greatest qualities even when I feel my worst. In times of uncertainty and when I feel unworthy, I need to remember to never question His love for me. He’s never left me, nor forsaken me. Remember, broken vessels allow the light to shine through, so “let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:15, NKJV)!

If you are in need of prayer, I would be happy to do just that. Drop a comment below or send me an email. I don’t need details. God knows! Much love to you all! And until next week!